Banishing addiction forever?

Banishing addiction forever?
By Carolina Sanchez /
PRAGUE DAILY MONITOR / PRAGUE WANDERER /
17 March 2009

This story is part of an occasional series of articles from the Prague Wanderer, a webzine created by New York University students in Prague. Learn more about the Prague Wanderer here.

At 7 am on 7 November 2005, in the bathroom of a Swedish Airport, Michael Korn took his last hit of heroin.

Twenty-four hours later he was in a rented house 15 minutes outside of Prague, in sheer agony from withdrawal. That afternoon, Korn got into bed, closed his eyes, and embarked on a frightening journey that saved his life.

After five years of trying to get rid of his 25-year-old addiction, Korn, now 49, had discovered the "miracle". It's known to some as the drug that cures all drug addictions: Ibogaine.

Korn had tried it all: Narcotics Anonymous, therapy, substitutions, and even went to an energy touch healer, all to no avail. But the healer told him about an Ibogaine treatment provider in Prague—Patrick Venulejo.

Venulejo, who has been working with Ibogaine since the start of the millennium, is "just praying for the day" he can move Ibogaine into clinical trials so it can become a government-licensed medicine, which can be provided by any physician. However, because of the serious psychedelic effects, Ibogaine is not a prescription anywhere in the world, and has been outlawed in several countries including the United States, France, Switzerland, and Belgium.

"It was so scary!" Korn said about the visualizations he saw after he closed his eyes. "They are very strange and not like anything else you’ve ever done. They come and go so super fast it’s like a movie on high-speed; you can’t tell the difference between ten seconds and ten years."

According to Venulejo, "you still know who you are, where you are, why you’re there, and perhaps how much you paid for it," during the hallucinations.

In 1967, the drug was banned from prescription because of the upswing in hallucinogenic drug use, along with LSD and ecstasy.

But later in the early nineties, the US National Institute for Drug Abuse (NIDA)—impressed by research from case reports and animal studies—began examining the safety of Ibogaine and the potential of creating treatment procedures for it.

According to Dr. Frank Vocci, Director of the Division of Treatment Research & Development at NIDA, in 1995 during a review committee meeting on Ibogaine, four committee members voted for continuing human testing and nine voted against. Those against the drug cited the few known human deaths following use of the drug, brain lesions found in rats, and the poisonous effect that developed in monkeys, which occurred during treatments.

But Venulejo says the decision to ban the drug was unjustified.

"This way, indirectly, they've killed a lot of people," Venulejo said in response to NIDA’s withdrawal from further testing. His point is that addicts are dying of overdoses that Venulejo believes Ibogaine could prevent. "Do people have any idea how many people die in hospitals?" he asked, referring to drug addicts who take a lethal dose.

There have been 12 recorded deaths linked to Ibogaine, which may have been caused by underground clinics that did not file reports when treatments began going wrong. The fatality factors range from pre-existing heart conditions, using opiates while on Ibogaine or soon after, and taking Ibogaine outside of a clinical facility where one can be acutely monitored.

Unfortunately, Venulejo does not work in a clinical facility, where costs are much higher (USD 5,000-USD 15,000), but rather from hotel rooms and homes where he charges less than USD 3,000, "enough to cover the cost and have some peanuts on top".

Discovering the possible cure for all addiction

Venulejo, son of an Italian father and Czech mother, was long interested in the evolution of consciousness.

This led to his research on Shamanic rituals, which involve communication with the spiritual world. Shamanic tribes use Ibogaine in initiations and to get in touch with spirits. "It combines, elegantly, the transpersonal and therapeutic journey," Venulejo said.

Ibogaine, extracted from the roots of a Central West African shrub, Tabernanthe iboga, is administered in oral capsules. The normal dosage is around 1.2 grams, which doesn’t always cause the visualizations.

In November 1999, Venulejo went to the first conference on Ibogaine at New York University held by Kenneth Alper, a neurologist who is pro-Ibogaine. He returned to Prague and began treating addicts.

"My first intention was to treat people, show [Ibogaine’s] potential and have people acknowledge it," Venulejo said.

In the Czech Republic, Venulejo appeared on two television news programs, TV Nova's "Áčko" in 2000, and “Na Vlastni Oci” in 2001, promoting Ibogaine with the hopes of attracting physicians’ attention. But he only got responses from people who wanted treatment, not physicians.

"It drives me mad when something works and it’s not used," Venulejo said. "They're professionals and should always be looking for the best solution."

Venulejo also approached the Czech Health Ministry to try to get Ibogaine approved as a prescription medication. But according to him, the ministry claimed to be cutting down the funds of their existing projects by 10%, and then by 30% on his second visit- therefore they couldn't investigate Ibogaine.

Now Korn and Venulejo are trying to register a foundation in Sweden that will promote independent medicines such as Ibogaine. The goal is to create funds through the foundation and loosen Ibogaine's prohibition.

Venulejo is now traveling around Europe, "focusing on spreading the word" and training more physicians to become Ibogaine treatment providers. "I’m waiting for when I get enough funds to get it into clinical trials," Venulejo said. "Ibogaine can really change people." He’s treated about 200 different people.

But acquiring funds for the drug's government evaluation is a problem private clinics are facing around the world, including Canada, Mexico, Panama, and the West Indies, because of the lack of knowledge of the controversial substance.

"Ibogaine wasn’t on the agenda until now," said Viktor Mravcik, director of the government-run Drug Monitoring Centre. "And we don’t have enough information about it."

"I would like to know more [about Ibogaine]," said Ivan Douda, co-founder of the Czech Republic’s Drop In foundation, which provides help to drug addicts. "Our position is not on the level to deal with experiments, that’s up to official institutions."

Substitution treatment, the exchange of illegal drug use for legal drug use, is becoming the "standard treatment in the Czech Republic for hard drug users," according to Mravcik.

Subutex, Suboxon, and Methadone, all legal drugs, are being prescribed to drug addicts to combat use of methamphetamines, cocaine, and opiates.

Currently an estimated 3,000-4,000 people are receiving Subutex to substitute illegal drugs in the Czech Republic said Mravcik. "Substitution is perfectly fine in a treatment scene," Venulejo said. "It helps take away the drug lifestyle. It keeps people addicted but gives them a normal life."

But addiction to Methadone, which Korn referred to as a "legal heroin", is potentially a bad thing. Clare Wilkins, director of the Ibogaine Association and owner of Ibogaine Treatment House in Tijuana, was addicted to alcohol and Methadone for 15 years. She tried several ways to quit, but like Korn, she failed.

Then her sister introduced her to the "blessing" of Ibogaine. "The change [after her Ibogaine treatment] was dramatic," Wilkins, 38, said. "I became a whole being that was connected to everything around me, rather than a broken being."

"Methadone has its own cons instead of pros," Wilkins said. "It's a harm reduction tool, you cannot deny it. But it’s a long-lasting substance."

Hana's iboga experience

i just wanted to share my process a bit around having experienced an iboga initiation recently. All i can say is that I am completely blown away by this plant spirit and the incredible container that bwiti has perfected to deliver it. It was probably the most physically and emotional intense experience of my life. Traveling the universe and playing with time and space. Meeting people " ancestors". Insight upon my life. Unlocking my fear and stuck negativity. Cleansing and awakening. What a lesson on taking control of my life and never playing the victim game. It's like an ecstatic explosion over the head. Wake the eff up it screams. no time to waste on bullshit. there is nothing like it. this plant spirit has an uncanny affinity for humans.
I am feeling the beauty and tragic nature of life so intensely. every little speck of life and human interaction makes me tear up, and smile. I can usually be kind of a bitter asshole! I have had a long hx of depression and anxiety in my life and this just snapped me right out of it. I know i have a ton of work to do, but i feel motivated and confident. The self hatred has lost its edge because the illusion of it all has been pierced. Forgiveness of myself is hard. Just act with integrity in the future and don't beat yourself up was the message. It keeps you from sharing the gifts you have with others to tear yourself apart.
And talk about a physical cleansing. the GI health it brings alone is enough for it to be revered as medicine. Also it has a power full effect on libido. I almost feel like it completely reprogrammed my HPA axis. Which might explain how it normalizes infertility perhaps. It scrubbed out my brain. A prismatic collection of alkaloids and metabolites in that sacred root. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. I feel weak right now but clear and calm.
And the root bark combined with the ibogaine takes you light years beyond just ibogaine in my opinion. if you can keep it down!. I barely made it, but then i just grabbed it and off i went.
i am so grateful for this medicine.
not to mention it was a blast.

after the ecstasy the laundry.....back to daily life now. but somehow i am a different person. hopefully i can keep that juice alive.
i wish the means and opportunities to all those wanting it.

Also do it with a master like i did. don't do it alone! this experience needs to be more affordable to those who need it in my opinion. although i think it is worth every fucking penny. its too intense to be taken lightly, and bringing down the cost does do that. I see the value in maintaining it's value. those who need it most don't seem to get it though. like most things in this capitalist mess.

just wanted to wax poetic about my iboga initiation

basse!

Low dose iboga journal by Martee

Jan 29:
Took 1and 1/2 tsp. I lay down and went to sleep after taking it. Although there were no visuals and just that slight buzz sensation I was able to sleep. The message I got was that I needed to get out of my own head. Too cerebral maybe. Sometimes things just are what they appear and not symbolic or representative of anything. It is possible to miss the simple things trying to look so deep.

Jan 30:
Next day, I have put a few days aside to recover from the night before. I had not felt a great impact and felt the need to do another dose. Also had this thought because I felt I was needing this booster for at least a month. Again no visuals, no intense buzz feeling. Just knew I had taken something. However, after waking up 6 hours later I heard my voice in my head as I opened my eyes. It was not my thoughts as one usually hears, it was my voice being heard in my head. What it said to me was that I had gotten exactly what I needed from this dose. When I do a booster, as a rule I don't have great expectations although I always have a question and a direction. Sometimes the revelation doesn't hit for days or more. I always go on faith that I am getting a physical healing that I need, especially in regards to keeping my liver in good health and doing a reset of sorts in my brain. The feeling I get in my head after a booster or session is like there is more of a solid feeling under my skull. It is a very grounded feeling.

Jan 31:
Took 1 and 1/2 tsp. Still feeling the need and here it is, yes, the third day in a row. Not the usual practice but I felt I was so way past due and did not get what I felt I should as of yet. Also at this point wondering about the potency, as I had had in the past some intense experiences with previous rootbark, even the stuff D gave me that he said was low grade, maybe a 2 , he said just do 3x the amount and you have a 6. Actually that was the first time I got major visions on root bark. I must have done at least a Tablespoon then. I also know that there are such big variables in a person from one experience to the next that I know it's not like taking anything else that you know you will get x response from x dose. I also know my system is tough usually as I burn through stuff fast and usually need a lot more than average. Just to let you know I am 5'10" tall and weigh over 200 lbs. So when you think of a female dose, that is not me.

So I had a big revelation and this is something I have played around with but it came to me very concrete. What a lot of people think are emotionally driven habits or behaviors, are really a combination of the physiological coupled with behavioral responses. Knowing what nutrition can do for neurotransmitters and how we are creatures of habit as far as how we respond to things, I am thinking as much as 60% of cases are this instead of purely emotional. I have to tell you a couple of clients I have brought this up to, their response was at first disbelief because having an emotional response is the excuse for the behavior to a degree. Their emotional baggage has also become a dysfunctional friend. This phase of thinking can sometimes pass in as little as 10 seconds.
Now you find out there is a man behind the curtain, and things are not as they seem. Then I believe there is a sense of relief because it means they are not as fucked up as they have labeled themselves as being. It gives them a light at the end of their very long sometimes dark tunnel. For a very long time I have been understanding that a lot of issues that appear emotional or psychological can and have been remedied through physical (particularly the right nutritional formula) changes. It is the revelation of the behavior as part of this occurrence that to me, makes real sense.
So let me know what you think of that one.

Also my intuitive and empathic skills seem to be getting sharper and more refined with each dose. I am getting physical reactions when reading people sometimes. The instant recoil as they mention something that their body hates hits me before they are done with the sentence. Also I was craving fettuccine Alfredo and it wasn't for me it was for one of my clients. She had a crisis with her mom and wasn't eating and wasn't getting enough fat or protein. She lives down the road from an organic dairy and can get raw. I encouraged her to go get some brown rice pasta, sheep cheese and raw organic cream and make some Alfredo and have it with a nice plate of greens. The next day my craving was gone and I did not eat anything other than my usual fare.
The good part is that I knew they weren't my cravings. It's all about keeping myself separate and protected from everyone's issues as I tend to get pulled in pretty easy.
As far as major progress in general goes I am pleased that the fear aspect that dominates a lot of my sessions and boosters were minimal this time. That is one of the reasons I do it late in the day or at night as a rule so I can shut everything out. I have talked to Matt Z and Mark C who tell me they do a tsp and go for a bike ride to the park and reflect and are then awake for at least 20 hours or more before they can sleep. Thankfully that is not me. I sleep. Easily. I also do not like to be around anyone at this time. I turn off the phone and the computer. I need silence and privacy.


Friday feb. 13th:
I feel like I got my ass kicked with this booster. I did a total of 3 tsps in 3 separate doses, an hour apart and I knew when I started to hear that deep pulsating didgeridoo sound I was in for it. That sound that tells you, you are in Iboga land now!! I almost feel like if I had another 1/2 tsp. it would have felt close to a full session. Strange how that works. I felt like the visions were there but not breaking through all the way. Some of them were in outlines and then faded. I did get some visions with eyes closed. I felt like I was shown my existence, my life as it is now at it's lowest common denominator of despair. If that makes sense. It included the greyness one would associate with an old Oliver Twist movie, including the big desperate empty eyes. OK can you imagine what that does to someone who has only been acknowledging the positive and forward movement and getting as much joy and happiness where ever I can? At worst I have taught myself to idle in neutral if I have to but never to go to doubt, negativity let alone despair. So this....vision...which again strangely I did not see it with my eyes open as a vision, I did not see it with my eyes closed as a vision, I saw it in my mind as a thought and the thought had this clear image. That is something I never experienced quite before with iboga. So needless to say I have been in a bit of a strange place the few days after. My take on it is that it is something deep within me that to rid myself of it I have to bring it up to get it out and get rid of it. Emotions being concrete things that reside internally, from my perspective have to be felt on the way out. Think about it......we stuff these things so we don't have to feel them.
5 days after booster:
I did some thinking on this today. Where the despair came from and what it meant. I think I didn't know despair until I started using heroin. I think despair comes from the word desperate. And even though I didn't grow up privileged and had my problems I can't pinpoint being desperate until I had a full blown habit, by age 16. The feelings I was shown in my second session as far as the original wound that caused my addiction was doom and apathy. With apathy you don't get despair. That was different.
Even though I have been clean over 4 years, I think I pretty well stopped wearing despair on my sleeve as part of my being about 10 years ago. That was when I first acknowledged a force bigger than myself and saw a bigger picture. What I think is that I did not really deal with it, in good old addict style I just stuffed it physically. Again, emotions being a concrete thing, there deep they reside.

On the physical front, as there is always a physical manifestation of an emotional issue and visa versa, this is directly tied to the yeast I have brought up out of hiding by doing a series of heavy metal detoxes. Deep hiding, 2 years or more totally asymptomatic. Yeast can make one feel depressed, foggy and sad to say the least. I had some brief cravings, and no wonder the despair coming from using, knowing that I wanted more heroin than my 16 year old brain could financially make peace with. Also you only have to be dope sick once to know you are in a desperate situation, permanently. So the cravings and heroin use and despair all go together. Funny. The realization of that helped me completely get rid of the cravings. That and I have been using my Bach Flower Rescue Remedy quite a bit this week.

I also do not feel with everything I am doing that it is at all a "search" for happiness. I feel it is getting all the crap out so the true state of being, can just be allowed to blossom. Everything I will ever need is already within me. I can enjoy external influences, but none of them will bring me true fulfillment or happiness.

I feel to get old emotions up and out you have to feel them on the way out and deal with them. It's exactly like cleaning out a closet. You have to put your hands on the stuff, look at it, acknowledge the part in played in your past and then decide without reservation to let it go. To let the thing go as well as any turmoil or hurt it caused in your life. Complete release.

Personally, I love that deep resounding ibo buzz.......It was always a comfort to me when other parts of the experience were not. On the upside I must say the last two times I have done the boosters, there was no fear aspect anymore. Other than my first session, all the rest had heavy fear as an overall theme and feeling. I see that as progress, major progress. Where I came face to face with this feeling of despair it did not dominate the entire experience. Do I need another booster to process this one, I think I already have processed it. But truthfully it hit me pretty hard before I was of the mindset to break it down and analyse it.

Just to let you know, I use a magic bullet food blender to get the root bark to a fine powder. So when I say a tsp it is very very fine powder. I got a total of approx 6 Tablespoons from my bag. I have already been through over 2 T. I did give a T. before grinding( which probably would grind to a tsp) to my naturopath who is a shaman and is the one who was making me a homeopathic remedy from a little hcl that I was using for liver and endocrine. He has done ceremonial peyote with his tribe many times and is a scientist and doing stem cell research. He knew about ibogaine when I first met him. I have learned a lot about brain chemistry from him and check my results and hypothesis on his Bio tracker Meridian assessment computer. The ibogaine helped a lot with my endocrine issues over the last few years. Needless to say I completely wacked out my endocrine from staying up for years shooting speedballs. It tested particularly strong on the hypothalamus, which is in the brain. I know you said not to give it out indiscriminately, and I felt this was something that was right to do.

I also have a sister who did a session over 3 years ago once. She stopped a 20 year habit as well, but has not had therapy and replaced her addiction with working too much at the cost of her health and her family and drinking. She has never done a booster and will probably never have the money put aside to do another full on session. I seriously think with about 5 or 6 tsps. I could reset her. When I brought it up to her she broke down crying and revealed to me that she remembers directly after her session was the first time she ever remembers having real clarity in her life. That was short lived. She was very uncomfortable with what was revealed to her in her session, so it might take some doing to get her to agree, but I feel she will die without it. She also has hep c and lives in denial. She has a young teenage son, lives in NY city.

I want to be completely honest with you. I am not looking to hand this out to anyone else. I know for me it feels life and death when I don't have it. I do not feel I will need another booster anytime in the next month.
The strange thing is that after my first session, I went a solid 2 years with so much resolve and lack of any cravings. There has been a definite shift away from that. I, being analytical as I am, have determined that these cravings are actually more behavioral. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. I also have homeopathic remedies for serotonin and l-dopa that I do from time to time when I need them. It just seems like more of a struggle now than it was years ago. I am wondering if you see this in others or yourself.

I think it is extremely commendable what you are doing trying to gather research and have comparisons. I know I like case studies and hearing of others experiences to compare and learn about myself and consider the possibilities. For me iboga is not so much about how many people had a space ship experience or floated above the earth, it's about all the introspection and being able to shed all the ingrained, inherited bullshit that hides ones true self. By the way, no matter how much hcl I took in my sessions I never had those all inclusive deep experiences. It could be me, not being able to let go. My need to be in control all the time. Could have been the fear.

One more question, does iboga deplete the brain of serotonin and l-dopa neurotransmitters. This is something I am feeling with this last booster. I am noticing the drive and inspiration I had the week before is not as it was. And from that perspective something to consider about spacing them out and not doing them too often. That is one of the things my doctor brought up to me when I first met him years ago.

I also wrote this up from memory and from some of the emails I share with Matt Z. Again I need to write after each time as you suggested in a journal. I always feel I will remember and get around to it and I don't. Maybe next booster I will ask about procrastination and where that comes from for me.

Hope this is not too lengthy. Again if your wife wants to contact me I am sure I can offer something that will help. My theory is that until you deal with the basic nutritional needs of the body and brain, you can't heal properly. That includes how the body is going to utilize all the supplements and herbs one takes. By the way, all the Chinese herbs are not across the board for everyone. Sometimes they can do more harm than good.
With much respect,
Martee

Javi's iboga experience

Hi Simon, I am writing you because talking on the phone doesn't seem to be working out for some reason. That stuff was something else, I was pretty much out of my body the entire trip, I relieved my prior Iboga experience in San Pancho Mexico, where I thought I was for a majority of the trip. I saw that as a young kid I have always been very honest and truthful which hurt me a lot because many people took advantage of this. This created a lot of pain, fear and confusion about myself that I almost worked through during highshool but then I dropped out and things went down hill from there. during this time I broke my clavicle 3 times in a month which left me with a few scripts of vicodin. Life began feeling like a burden instead of excitement and joy until I was basically totally relying on drugs for any sort of fun.

I was really bad with cocaine for a while there too, it lost it's buzz tho so I tried shooting it which got me completely addicted to the needle, shooting MSconton, Oxyconton, fentanyl, and eventually heroin and cocaine as speedball. I thought a lot about what I was doing to my body and my future but I was trapped in addiction and a sad mindset about my life. Luckily I also got into psychedelics, mushrooms were always super confusing for me but LSD showed me the truth many times in an amazing way. I tried DMT, LSA, and Salvia D. as well which helped me on the right path.

During the Iboga trip I saw myself in a room with two grandmothers who were knitting. Their nits were these mountains, and they were connected. They were sitting across from each other and one of the nits was a mirror image of the other. I kept appearing in this room watching them nit and disappearing on a journey through the mountains (that they were knitting) and back again. I revisited a fishing village in Bara De Navi Dad, Mexico where my family and I lived when I was 3.

I spent a lot of time in the rain forest in San Pancho and Bara. I remember seeing an image of tree frogs and tadpoles sliding down pink, orange, purple, blue in moonlight, it was like a little scene in the middle of the rainforest. I also saw that the rainforest totally covered the earth n the past or I think it was future actually.

I also distinctly remember hearing this hummer with a low muffler driving around in the rain forest part of a Mexican cartel basically completely running San Pancho, loaded with guns and drugs,. I kept hearing it drive somewhere then hearing a winch ratchet as it loaded up, then it would drive off, unload, load up, all night long, 24/7. I also saw and went into heroin/cocaine dens in the middle of the jungle, I found myself eventually working for these guys...there was so much and is a lot more a lot of it is extremely hard to put into words.

I went to Costa Rica as well and relieved more experiences in the jungle. I also visited Venice Italy and saw that I was madly in love with the place.

One of the most amazing memories I have is being on the beach in San Pancho and seeing this lady and her daughter that we met down there last time we were there. When her daughter saw me she gave me a hug and said that she saw that I had definitely made it, in that moment I felt completely free of all the crappy feelings.

I also revisited some old towns that I guess I had lived in in a past life or maybe it was purely spiritual, hard to say, but I saw a run down house that I lived in with my girlfriend, we were constantly fucked up, that was life. I was madly in love with the life style too, I can feel the feeling of the place and everything and the shittiness of it was so appealing it's very strange to me now.

I've been smoking a little pot at night to help me sleep but I saw that I have a tendency to get carried away and use marijuana as an escape from reality/boredom too if I'm not careful. I have been very occupied playing drugs, guitar, tying fly's, writing, drawing, resting. I am really looking forwards to working and saving money for once in my life and spending it on the tings that are real. I have been sleeping more and more every night, slept the most tonight (6hrs) I have very little craving and I actually found some paraphernalia that was hidden in yy room, that was a paper with a tiny dot of heroin on it, it felt very dirty and unappealing. The thought of trapping myself up like that again is a nightmare. Another part of the trip
I saw myself having quit but still carrying lots of burden in the form of chains, I was a slave still and I had to drag my chains around everywhere and that was my future if I didn't really stop this time round. I saw I had one other chance after this but I would have to deal with the burden still. I really had to be ready to quit, I think my prior iboga experience didn't have much effect on me because it wasn't as good as quality, and I didn't do enough/wasn't ready to quit. I was damn ready this time though!


I can't thank you enough, you helped me get my life back, my parents and brother/family back, and vice versa. I couldn't be happier!


Much love,

Javier

Michael's ibogaine experience

I. Introduction

I slept this morning. It was a sleep full of uncontrolled dreams. I woke up this morning, and the first thing I said was “I Slept!”, it was that much of an accomplishment for me. I am hungry, haven’t eaten much in five days. And the vertigo. I can still feel the effects of the ibogaine: a sound at the tip of my unconscious, the clear taste in my mouth, the persistent vertigo, as if my energy field were not keeping up with my body movements. (Typing is a bit of a chore.) I smell like onions and need a bath. It is Monday morning; I took ibogaine Saturday afternoon.

This has been quite a trip. It started decades ago, when I first learned of eboga, the plant form, as part of an African rite of passage to adulthood in an Anthropology course. At the time I thought that this is something I needed to do, that is to undergo some initiation ritual to become an adult. I didn’t pursue it then. Ibogaine has since become known in the underground heroin world for its remarkable ability to interrupt the addictive response. This is where I learned most of my information about it. It has been summarily declared illegal by a decades-old corrupt lying drug-smuggling hypocritical United States governmental crime regime, though thankfully it is perfectly legal in most other countries. Ironically, the criteria the US has for illegalizing ibogaine are that it has no medical or intrinsic value, is addictive, and is dangerous. Only the last criterion is true. It has also shown effect on long-term psychological blocks. That was my excuse for pursuing ibogaine.

I am an avowed spiritual tourist and occasional psychonaut, though not a very practiced one. I had heard that ibogaine is the trip of a lifetime, and I wanted to give it a whirl. I thought I was desperate. After experiencing ibogaine I can promise you that it is no toy, not at all. I went into this experience with the intention for life-review and self-directed change. Instead, much more happened. I don’t know how to place the experience; it will take some more time to digest.

II. Pre-experience trials

After the decision was made to take ibogaine, it was a bit of a torturous path to procure it. I made the decision, decided it was now or never, sold some investment gold, and joined an ibogaine group email thingy. The people on the list were generally very patient with me. I contacted a church in Slovenia, the Sacrament of transition; who helped me acquire what was needed.

By all accounts I was in need of a sitter, someone to watch over me during the experience. About a month later I finally convinced my wife to take on this role. As a clinical psychologist, she was skeptical of its psychological effects, and concerned about safety, mostly. I had to figure out how to take it. It came in the form of dusty light-weight white powder, almost ephemeral, 98% pure ibogaine hydrochloride. I bought a mechanical scale that can measure to thousandths of a gram, and when that wasn’t accurate enough, an electronic one of similar caliper. I decided to take it as a suppository in two doses, .97g and .375g. Making a proper suppository can be quite a chore. I finally mixed the ibogaine hydrochloride powder into frozen coconut oil, and then stuffed this into some gel capsules. My wife watched with some amusement as I spent an evening trying various ways to prepare it.

(The vertigo is still pretty disruptive; I feel as if I am floating out of my body again, so lightly do I float. I focused on the ceiling with my eyes closed, looking at the patterns in the stucco, and then opened my eyes and saw the ceiling as eight feet above from my head. It is disconcerting to write in this state.)

At about the same time I ceased my one addiction, Dr. Pepper. I wanted to go into this experience with pure intention, and I felt that caffeine addiction would be a hamperence. I started taking a vitamin horse pill, eating abit less, and going for somewhat strenuous walks, subsequently losing about eight pounds. Another month or so went by. Then a few days before the experience I started fasting in earnest, drinking a cleansing admixture several times daily that proved effective enough.

Impromptu cleansing drink recipe
2 cups carrot juice
1+ tablespoon powdered green drink
2-4 grams MSM
1-2 grams oral calcium EDTA
2-5 grams of L-glutamine
2 grams of powdered milk thistle seed

I also made a one-time saltwater concoction from some dried herbs lying around the kitchen that almost caused me to purge. Thankfully, I survived that.

Do Not Try This At Home
saltwater
a judicious handful of basil
some echinacea augustifolia
a handful of nettles
some ginkgo biloba
a palms worth of chaparral
triphala powder
and a bunch of lavender flowers and catnip for fun

Additionally I started drinking up to 5 grams of straight ascorbic acid in water to flush out my system, and in conjunction took enemas until my stool was relatively clear water.

Suffice it to say that by the time it came time for the experience, I was already in an altered state of being. However, the weekend slated for this experience just never quite manifested. Things came up, dinner parties, shopping; there just wasn’t time for a life-altering experience. I decided that this wasn’t the appropriate way to approach ibogaine, and put it away, perhaps to keep as a trophy of sorts - never tried, but always available to me. The empty residual ibogaine packaging sat on my desk as a constant reminder of what I wanted to do. About a month later I approached my wife with the idea again, and we scheduled a weekend. I think she was ready just to get my silly obsession done and over with. I prepared myself in the same manner as before. I ate half an avocado for strength the day before taking it.

III. The initial experience

Saturday afternoon, about 5 p.m. I downed a couple of Dramamine for nausea, then waited an hour. At 6:15 I pulled the gel capsules out of the freezer. I was somewhat hesitant, toying with the idea of backing out at this late hour, but pushed through that. I removed the make-shift suppositories from their gel caps and stuffed .97g up my arse, a mildly messy proposition, and laid down on my ceremonial bed and waited remarkably patiently. I had converted our home-office into a meditation chamber. Three layers of blankets were hung over the windows in order to get the room dark enough, and towels covered light gaps in the main doorway. Furniture was moved around for safety, and a large crawlway leading to the adjacent bathroom was kept free of clutter. I had a large stainless-steel barf-bowl handy, my water bottle, a hand mirror, and a small red lava lamp all arranged within easy reach on the floor. I also had music available, but it seemed to be antithetical to my truly self-inquiring spiritual yearnings.

I think the first effect of the ibogaine was a simple reflection. Lying on my bed, trying not to move about for fear of nausea, I decided my arrangement of floor articles would make an appropriate painting: “Still Life with Ibogaine”. After about two hours of lying like that I became concerned that I was feeling the full effects of the drug already, and it simply was not having much of an effect, reasoning that because of my fast perhaps my colon had ceased to absorb things very quickly leading me to metabolize the ibogaine into nor-ibogaine before it really affected me. I got up and walked downstairs to discuss this with my wife. There was some slight vertigo and no nausea present. So I pulled my remaining .375g gel caps out of the freezer, swallowed them and waited some more.

About 9:30 p.m. it started to kick in. My goodness, the buzz was a clear feeling, very clear. I could hear a sound, similar to my ever-present tinnitus but at a different pitch, kind of an electric buzzing, but not unpleasant. The effects came on so slowly and smoothly, not like other spiritual drugs I have tried. The predictability of the effect was a huge relief. Occasional nausea was only minimal, usually related to movement. My wife came into the room and asked if I was bored, and we struck up a heartfelt conversation for about three hours, myself doing most of the talking. I described to her the effects of my experience, and decided to lighten up and just say openly and honestly whatever came across my mind. The nearest feeling I had previously experienced in college was not with LSD, sacred Peyote, or shrooms, but with a really good sativa high, only about a thousand times stronger and more clear. There was zero diminution in my cognitive faculties, and I was insightful, although I did have a hard time articulating at times.

(Most of Monday has passed with me documenting this experience, and yet, now almost 48 hours since I first took it, I can feel its pleasant buzz coming back to me, not as a memory, but here and now. Writing is a challenge.)

It seemed to me as I talked with my wife, she mostly listening, that she was previously unaware of my inner workings, how I thought about things that I thought were obvious. I talked about mostly positive things, oddly enough. I had expected this to be a life review clearing out all the negative things that had happened to me, but instead I found that with ibogaine I emphasized the positive. In fact that was one of the aphorisms I deduced: “Emphasize the positive!”, this being something I decided I needed to do in my life.

I talked about my fear of being publicly recognized as respectable, wise, or knowledgeable, which had happened on some occasions: my reluctant messiah complex. I was presented with two pictures of myself in adjacent frames. On one side was me, underneath was written ‘Michael’, while the other frame presented an older me, a white haired man, underneath was written ‘Our Savior’. This latter picture was about half-way covered up by something. I am still trying to figure out the purpose behind that image. I thought I could use this time to update my own self-created Religion of Love, which I started to write publicly about almost a decade ago, but stopped when I was threatened with physical harm (our tax dollars at work.)

I talked of good friends and good times, again not what I was expecting, but I was going with the flow of the experience. I tried peering into my hand mirror, but found no immediate insights there. Now, having almost completely metabolized the ibogaine, I think the mirror is an interesting tool. I reached out to my wife alot, holding her hand or just touching her. I could feel the love we shared, and it helped our time together just simply talking. A couple of times she gently rubbed my body, which felt really, really nice. I so appreciated her presence.

At one point I was talking about who I was, and what past lives I might have had. I asked within myself how many lives I had lived on earth, and received a visual answer. I saw a lineup of three adult lives, one child life, and two or three short or aborted lives as babies. The adults were all handsome males, strong looking, each with its own strong personality. They were from several different races: the first one looked Italian, the second looked Indian, and the most recent one looked German. I opened my eyes and excitedly exclaimed “I am a new soul!” When my wife looked at me skeptically, I added, “Or at least new to this Earth.” I was so happy to finally know this about myself.

I was thirsty at times, but drank only sips. My body was nervous most of the time. At one point my whole being shook uncontrollably for several seconds as energy patterns shifted around. It felt similar to some previous meditation-derived kundalini experiences. The red light from the lava lamp was a quiet distraction in conversational lulls. As the experience progressed I started explaining my insights in terms of thoughtfields, drifting into and back out of my much anticipated proverbial ‘dream-like state’. By 12:30 the ibogaine was going pretty much full force, and my wife turned off the lava lamp and crawled into my bed beside me. I could somehow see her intention field around her in the darkness. I spoke at about fifteen minutes intervals with some new piece of information about myself or some interesting thought, and she sometimes responded.

IV. Going within

I was going deep within, meditating, searching for the root of my block in life, the one prevents me from doing the things that I want to do. At one point I felt overwhelmed with the ibogaine, feeling that it could potentially kill me. I mentally appealed to Jesus and Sathya Sai Baba, my gurus, for guidance. I heard Baba/myself’s voice in my head quite clearly say “You are on your own path now”. I understood the meaning to be two-fold:
1.) that I am adult now who is self-directed and self-responsible, and
2.) that Sai Baba’s reality line was somewhat different from the one that I was currently experiencing.
The upshot of this was that I determined to maneuver my way through this realm carefully. I took my own mantra to heart (Love is the way) and followed my sense of divine love as my inner guide. The presence of my wife beside me only slightly impacted this sense. Mostly I was using a meditative sense honed with many years of soul searching, mantras, chanting, etc.

As I went deeper into myself I found myself in another completely different realm. I lost the use of my five senses, and felt the need to somehow orient myself spatially. Through me, a disembodied voice uttered “Use your sense of imagination to see”. In thoughtful reflection, my wife repeated the command, which I then heard and repeated. It was an awesome insight for me. I could see around me by peering into my sense of imagination. Initially I saw residual images from my waking life, but slowly these dissipated as I peered into the haze of my own imagination. I saw disembodied spirit balls, and thought of Michael Newton’s books, and this, no doubt, influenced how I perceived. I was floating as a light ball in heaven. I had had an NDE as teenager, but this was different: my vision was neither as clear nor as accurate, and I was intent upon staying clear, seeing things as they were presented to me, with little influence from my own mind.

I saw myself as a small ball of light drunkenly rolling around a hazy heavenly landscape. There were large spirits, seen as balls of light, all around me doing various things. They were perhaps 20 or 30 times as tall as I was. They seemed to be tolerant of me, kindly thinking of me as child playing at their feet, as someone to watch over. They seemed to be powerful and wise beyond measure. I was embarrassed at how I drunkenly navigated my way about the landscape, thinking that this was a pretty poor presentation of myself in heaven, but no one else seemed to give my embarrassment much attention.

But I was determined that this would not just be a pleasure cruise. I focused myself again, looking into the heart of myself for the root of my own internal blocks. Some spirits got in my face and shouted at me, saying to the effect of “Pay attention!” and “Watch out!” I looked about myself and realized that I was in front of the gates of heaven, beyond which there was no return. I resolved not to go through the gate, and then returned to self-inquiry looking for the root of my block, when again some spirits jolted me out of my meditational trespass. My body was sweating profusely at this time, and my wife soaked a towel just drying me off.

Using my imaginative sense, I was amused by how I perceived heaven’s gate. It was a well worn dirt path through a rickety wooden gate. The associated fence line was made of rusted old wire. There was an oak tree just on the other side of the gate, and the landscape reminded me of both the Edwards Plateau in Texas, and the Tuscany region of Italy. There were a couple of hand-painted signs on wooden shingles with malleable words written on to the effect of “Michael, stop, you can’t go past this gate or you will die”. I decided that it was thoughtful of these spirits to produce a sign for me. One spirit sat on an old wooden stool at the entrance to this deeper level of heaven, peacefully watching me. Although I felt free to move deeper into heaven if I chose, I decided I was not yet ready to die. I had been deeply suicidal since my mid-twenties, but no longer do I follow this intention, and now that I have faced this choice so directly in this experience, I feel more at peace with myself.

Anyway, onward through the fog: with the gate of heaven in front of me, I turned right and lazily floated down the fence line. I passed another couple of gates, and always they were attractive to me. Oh, the heaven-scent loving vibe was so very attractive. Spirits were posted at these junctures who warned me away. I was intent upon looking for the source of my own internal block. It feels like a dark spike in my energy field, immovable and deeply rooted, and I imagined it as a tall black column of stone hundreds of feet high jutting out in a beautiful valley surrounded by a range of majestic mountains, somewhere beyond this fence line I could not cross. Again I was faced with a decision, to address this aspect of myself and risk that the heavenly fence line was an imagining of my own making, or to respect the imaginary reflection of what I saw and act more prudently. I exclaimed to myself “I do not want to die”, and let go of my endeavor to face myself so deeply.

After this I was mostly a heavenly tourist, pleasantly but somewhat drunkenly lollygagging around in a directionless manner. At one point I was confronted with another spirit, a serious one, who asked me if I really wanted to change. I thought about it, and for just an instant vacillated. Immediately the experience of heaven ceased.

V. Post-heavenly meanderings

After this heavenly experience, everything else seemed extraneous. I decided that I had taken an unnecessary amount of ibogaine; ibo overkill. The drug is only a potentiator. It is neither bad nor good, but an extremely clear psychic tool to be used in any direction. I had gravitated towards the spiritual realms because that was where my sense of divine love and selfdom led me. In total, the full dosage I took was approximately 1.3g. Were I to take it again, I would take perhaps half or two-thirds of what I did, and still expect to meditate myself to death if I so chose. Anyway, I had dropped out of the heavenly realm somehow, and although I contemplated trying to get back into it, I decided that I had had enough for now. Still however, the ibogaine buzz was strongly ringing, I was seeing a raging storm of images, and I knew I had many hours of this to go.

By the time my heavenly experience was over it was about 2 a.m. and my wife was solidly asleep. When I looked with my eyes I could see the room clearly enough, then I would open my eyelids and realize that the room was completely dark. This happened many times and always was fascinating. I kept seeing reflections of light around the room, and when I would look for the source of the light, invariably I found it in my own heart: the heart area of my chest seemed to be glowing, at times rather brightly. This sense of vision has stayed with me even today. I don’t know if I will be able to perceive in this manner as I go back to sleep tonight.

I thought about various things that had bothered me in my life, trying to clear them from my personality. A woman I fell in love with in college was in the recesses of my mind, and I still sensed the ties that we share. I attempted to cut those ties, but sensed that she would be hurt by this, so I let it be. We will meet again somewhere, no doubt, and figure out how to mend our hearts then. Various other personages and happenings were examined, and for the most part dealt with. I spent a fair amount of time attempting to rewrite my personality to some degree.

However, I could only do so much. I grew weary, and wanted to sleep. I imagined an opaque blue screen that came down in front of my eyes to block the persistent wild visions of all sorts of things. It had such a calming effect that I was able to catch a series of cat-naps each about fifteen minutes long, with part of my mind maintaining this screen. I slept like this until perhaps 6 a.m.

VI. Sunday morning

Yesterday morning is only vaguely recollected. I was pretty tired. When I awoke for the last time, and shifted gears into a more waking state, I was surprised that I retained some of the visual capabilities of the previous night. It was still completely dark in the room, yet I could still see with my eyes through my eyelids. I still saw reflections from the glowing light in my chest quite clearly, which brought me amazement and a slightly cocky joy. It was as if I had proof that I knew how to emanate true divine love.

At another point I grew curious about the limits of the reality I was experiencing, I absentmindedly dug a hole in it with mind and found myself looking back into heaven. I decided not to go thru my hole and back in, for I didn’t know if I would expire from crossing barrier. While I was looking into this hole, someone came and filled it with a mirror, reflecting back at me my own face peering into this hole into heaven. At about that time my wife started waking up, so I again shifted gears to better relate to her.

My wife slowly woke up with the dawn barely glowing through the window. I had to pee, so once she had showered and what-not, we got me to crawl towards the bathroom. I asked her to turn on the lights to help bring me back to the consensual world. Moving my body created occasional nausea, but nothing more than a few small gastric burps. The whole process of movement was almost a new thing for me. In some ways I felt I had to relearn how to move. The vertigo seemed to result from my energetic body moving more fluidly than my physical body. I found it interesting to try to keep my body and my energies aligned. I think it took about two minutes to crawl twenty feet and prop myself up on the toilet. I was too outa wack to be embarrassed by the need for help. The slow flow of my piddle took about a minute, indicating to me that my kidneys were impacted somehow, hopefully not overly stressed.

Once back in my bed I rested for awhile, calming my stomach back down, and falling back into occasional trance. I spent about half the day lying in my ceremonial bed drifting in and out of dreams, and cogitating on improving myself. I didn’t understand why I had vacillated when asked if I really wanted to change. I attempted to recreate the situation at a less deep level, and to offer myself openly to the being, saying “search me, and see where I may not want to change, that I can address this”.

At another point I noticed some colored lights, and followed them into a tunnel. I followed then tunnel for awhile, traversing great distance at high speed. At the end of the tunnel was a completely new and open-ended universe, free of any stars. I drifted from the tunnel’s edge into the darkness, expanding my awareness and feeling no limits. When I turned around to find my way back the tunnels entrance, and return myself to this world, the tunnel was starting to disappear. I opened eyes then, and was back in the room.

I also went to other places. I felt no fear in my travels, but I attempted to be cautious.

VII. End of the main experience

Around noon my wife invited me downstairs to hang out in the living room. The offer was tempting. I craved new experiences, and felt that I had worked through my inner psyche as much as I was gonna. So she helped me to stand up. I was still having a hard time figuring out which way whence gravity, so I put myself in a supra-conscious state and navigated my body quickly and easily around displaced furniture, through several rooms, down a flight of stairs and plopped myself on the couch. I relaxed my control of my consciousness as I fell onto the couch which resulted in a rather strange feeling of falling with a soft landing. It was like several of my bodies were falling at the same time, connected but not necessarily in sync.

I spent much of yesterday attempting to release my ties to the various events of the past. I would develop a visualization of them, and then release them in appropriate ways. I lay on the couch until the evening. I talked more with my wife, who was still patiently interested in what I had to say. Mostly I talked about my life. She took some notes - she is good about that sorta thing. By the evening I was able to sit up and then to slowly walk upstairs, back to bed. I hoped that I would sleep. I think I fell asleep after midnight or so.

VIII. Post experience musings

Circuitously, this leads me back to the point of documenting my ibo experience in this letter. Typing it has taken me all day. I have not included everything I remember, and much more happened than I remember. It about 11:30 Monday evening now. I am tired of typing and would like to eat something more than just another avocado, but I do relish the clear taste in my mouth, my saliva tastes something like distilled water to me, and I want to get this documented before I forget anymore.

Snippets of what I experienced have come back to me yesterday and today. For instance, I woke this morning deeply impressed with what I had experienced, and how close I had come to death. Ibogaine is no toy, not at all. If you are just a spiritual tourist, don’t consider using higher doses of ibogaine. It is a strong medicine, and it should be used with a strong sense of purpose. There are other less dangerous medicines that can be used to explore the spiritual landscape, for instance, mescaline is a wonderful and gentle plant teacher, well understood by the NAC. Additionally, the internal knowledge gained from many years of meditation was fundamental in guiding me. Although I can clearly describe the things I experienced, it would have served me naught had I not had a strong reason to use the experience. As it was, my reason was not strong and focused enough. That said, I feel I gained genuine gifts from the experience, if I can put the things I learned into practice. Another for instance, sometime early in the experience, perhaps drifting in and out of heaven, Someone was helping me remove some unnecessary armoring, which has helped my demeanor, methinks.

I learned many things from this experience.

1.) I learned that I needed to do things, not to just think about doing them. I seem to have come from a place where it is easy to manifest things just by thinking about them. The process of developing things is abit more difficult for me, but it is something upon which I should focus.
2.) I learned again not to lie. Never misrepresent the truth, not even in jest. It confuses the thoughtfields, making our understanding of reality that much less clear, serving no one.
3.) I learned of the effect of self-criticism, and the importance of staying positive.
4.) I learned that I need to be easier with myself, more self-forgiving.
5.) I was again impressed with the importance of self-discipline, self-responsibility, self-reliability.
6.) I learned that I truly love my wife.

Finally, one last comment that I have been holding out until the end of this document. At some point early on in this experience, when was still holding audience with my wife, I realized that I have a fastidious soul purposefully coupled to a lacksidasical personality. I blurted this out to her, and then reflected that the descriptors were provided by my soul. After much contemplation yesterday, I made the association between my energy field’s dark spike, immovable, critical, and unforgiving, and the fastidiousness of my soul. Perhaps this ibogaine experience wasn’t so fruitless after all.

IX. Epilogue

Well, it is almost time for bed now, so I am gonna close this doc out. Finis. I hope that this has provided you with some insight into the power of ibogaine. I went into the experience expecting something completely different from what I got. I had read extensively about what other people had experienced, and expected something similar. Instead I learned the inclinations of my own soul.

Even now, when I turn my head, vertigo. Maybe it’ll wear off by the morning… So, there it is, then.