Jan 29:
Took 1and 1/2 tsp. I lay down and went to sleep after taking it. Although there were no visuals and just that slight buzz sensation I was able to sleep. The message I got was that I needed to get out of my own head. Too cerebral maybe. Sometimes things just are what they appear and not symbolic or representative of anything. It is possible to miss the simple things trying to look so deep.
Jan 30:
Next day, I have put a few days aside to recover from the night before. I had not felt a great impact and felt the need to do another dose. Also had this thought because I felt I was needing this booster for at least a month. Again no visuals, no intense buzz feeling. Just knew I had taken something. However, after waking up 6 hours later I heard my voice in my head as I opened my eyes. It was not my thoughts as one usually hears, it was my voice being heard in my head. What it said to me was that I had gotten exactly what I needed from this dose. When I do a booster, as a rule I don't have great expectations although I always have a question and a direction. Sometimes the revelation doesn't hit for days or more. I always go on faith that I am getting a physical healing that I need, especially in regards to keeping my liver in good health and doing a reset of sorts in my brain. The feeling I get in my head after a booster or session is like there is more of a solid feeling under my skull. It is a very grounded feeling.
Jan 31:
Took 1 and 1/2 tsp. Still feeling the need and here it is, yes, the third day in a row. Not the usual practice but I felt I was so way past due and did not get what I felt I should as of yet. Also at this point wondering about the potency, as I had had in the past some intense experiences with previous rootbark, even the stuff D gave me that he said was low grade, maybe a 2 , he said just do 3x the amount and you have a 6. Actually that was the first time I got major visions on root bark. I must have done at least a Tablespoon then. I also know that there are such big variables in a person from one experience to the next that I know it's not like taking anything else that you know you will get x response from x dose. I also know my system is tough usually as I burn through stuff fast and usually need a lot more than average. Just to let you know I am 5'10" tall and weigh over 200 lbs. So when you think of a female dose, that is not me.
So I had a big revelation and this is something I have played around with but it came to me very concrete. What a lot of people think are emotionally driven habits or behaviors, are really a combination of the physiological coupled with behavioral responses. Knowing what nutrition can do for neurotransmitters and how we are creatures of habit as far as how we respond to things, I am thinking as much as 60% of cases are this instead of purely emotional. I have to tell you a couple of clients I have brought this up to, their response was at first disbelief because having an emotional response is the excuse for the behavior to a degree. Their emotional baggage has also become a dysfunctional friend. This phase of thinking can sometimes pass in as little as 10 seconds.
Now you find out there is a man behind the curtain, and things are not as they seem. Then I believe there is a sense of relief because it means they are not as fucked up as they have labeled themselves as being. It gives them a light at the end of their very long sometimes dark tunnel. For a very long time I have been understanding that a lot of issues that appear emotional or psychological can and have been remedied through physical (particularly the right nutritional formula) changes. It is the revelation of the behavior as part of this occurrence that to me, makes real sense.
So let me know what you think of that one.
Also my intuitive and empathic skills seem to be getting sharper and more refined with each dose. I am getting physical reactions when reading people sometimes. The instant recoil as they mention something that their body hates hits me before they are done with the sentence. Also I was craving fettuccine Alfredo and it wasn't for me it was for one of my clients. She had a crisis with her mom and wasn't eating and wasn't getting enough fat or protein. She lives down the road from an organic dairy and can get raw. I encouraged her to go get some brown rice pasta, sheep cheese and raw organic cream and make some Alfredo and have it with a nice plate of greens. The next day my craving was gone and I did not eat anything other than my usual fare.
The good part is that I knew they weren't my cravings. It's all about keeping myself separate and protected from everyone's issues as I tend to get pulled in pretty easy.
As far as major progress in general goes I am pleased that the fear aspect that dominates a lot of my sessions and boosters were minimal this time. That is one of the reasons I do it late in the day or at night as a rule so I can shut everything out. I have talked to Matt Z and Mark C who tell me they do a tsp and go for a bike ride to the park and reflect and are then awake for at least 20 hours or more before they can sleep. Thankfully that is not me. I sleep. Easily. I also do not like to be around anyone at this time. I turn off the phone and the computer. I need silence and privacy.
Friday feb. 13th:
I feel like I got my ass kicked with this booster. I did a total of 3 tsps in 3 separate doses, an hour apart and I knew when I started to hear that deep pulsating didgeridoo sound I was in for it. That sound that tells you, you are in Iboga land now!! I almost feel like if I had another 1/2 tsp. it would have felt close to a full session. Strange how that works. I felt like the visions were there but not breaking through all the way. Some of them were in outlines and then faded. I did get some visions with eyes closed. I felt like I was shown my existence, my life as it is now at it's lowest common denominator of despair. If that makes sense. It included the greyness one would associate with an old Oliver Twist movie, including the big desperate empty eyes. OK can you imagine what that does to someone who has only been acknowledging the positive and forward movement and getting as much joy and happiness where ever I can? At worst I have taught myself to idle in neutral if I have to but never to go to doubt, negativity let alone despair. So this....vision...which again strangely I did not see it with my eyes open as a vision, I did not see it with my eyes closed as a vision, I saw it in my mind as a thought and the thought had this clear image. That is something I never experienced quite before with iboga. So needless to say I have been in a bit of a strange place the few days after. My take on it is that it is something deep within me that to rid myself of it I have to bring it up to get it out and get rid of it. Emotions being concrete things that reside internally, from my perspective have to be felt on the way out. Think about it......we stuff these things so we don't have to feel them.
5 days after booster:
I did some thinking on this today. Where the despair came from and what it meant. I think I didn't know despair until I started using heroin. I think despair comes from the word desperate. And even though I didn't grow up privileged and had my problems I can't pinpoint being desperate until I had a full blown habit, by age 16. The feelings I was shown in my second session as far as the original wound that caused my addiction was doom and apathy. With apathy you don't get despair. That was different.
Even though I have been clean over 4 years, I think I pretty well stopped wearing despair on my sleeve as part of my being about 10 years ago. That was when I first acknowledged a force bigger than myself and saw a bigger picture. What I think is that I did not really deal with it, in good old addict style I just stuffed it physically. Again, emotions being a concrete thing, there deep they reside.
On the physical front, as there is always a physical manifestation of an emotional issue and visa versa, this is directly tied to the yeast I have brought up out of hiding by doing a series of heavy metal detoxes. Deep hiding, 2 years or more totally asymptomatic. Yeast can make one feel depressed, foggy and sad to say the least. I had some brief cravings, and no wonder the despair coming from using, knowing that I wanted more heroin than my 16 year old brain could financially make peace with. Also you only have to be dope sick once to know you are in a desperate situation, permanently. So the cravings and heroin use and despair all go together. Funny. The realization of that helped me completely get rid of the cravings. That and I have been using my Bach Flower Rescue Remedy quite a bit this week.
I also do not feel with everything I am doing that it is at all a "search" for happiness. I feel it is getting all the crap out so the true state of being, can just be allowed to blossom. Everything I will ever need is already within me. I can enjoy external influences, but none of them will bring me true fulfillment or happiness.
I feel to get old emotions up and out you have to feel them on the way out and deal with them. It's exactly like cleaning out a closet. You have to put your hands on the stuff, look at it, acknowledge the part in played in your past and then decide without reservation to let it go. To let the thing go as well as any turmoil or hurt it caused in your life. Complete release.
Personally, I love that deep resounding ibo buzz.......It was always a comfort to me when other parts of the experience were not. On the upside I must say the last two times I have done the boosters, there was no fear aspect anymore. Other than my first session, all the rest had heavy fear as an overall theme and feeling. I see that as progress, major progress. Where I came face to face with this feeling of despair it did not dominate the entire experience. Do I need another booster to process this one, I think I already have processed it. But truthfully it hit me pretty hard before I was of the mindset to break it down and analyse it.
Just to let you know, I use a magic bullet food blender to get the root bark to a fine powder. So when I say a tsp it is very very fine powder. I got a total of approx 6 Tablespoons from my bag. I have already been through over 2 T. I did give a T. before grinding( which probably would grind to a tsp) to my naturopath who is a shaman and is the one who was making me a homeopathic remedy from a little hcl that I was using for liver and endocrine. He has done ceremonial peyote with his tribe many times and is a scientist and doing stem cell research. He knew about ibogaine when I first met him. I have learned a lot about brain chemistry from him and check my results and hypothesis on his Bio tracker Meridian assessment computer. The ibogaine helped a lot with my endocrine issues over the last few years. Needless to say I completely wacked out my endocrine from staying up for years shooting speedballs. It tested particularly strong on the hypothalamus, which is in the brain. I know you said not to give it out indiscriminately, and I felt this was something that was right to do.
I also have a sister who did a session over 3 years ago once. She stopped a 20 year habit as well, but has not had therapy and replaced her addiction with working too much at the cost of her health and her family and drinking. She has never done a booster and will probably never have the money put aside to do another full on session. I seriously think with about 5 or 6 tsps. I could reset her. When I brought it up to her she broke down crying and revealed to me that she remembers directly after her session was the first time she ever remembers having real clarity in her life. That was short lived. She was very uncomfortable with what was revealed to her in her session, so it might take some doing to get her to agree, but I feel she will die without it. She also has hep c and lives in denial. She has a young teenage son, lives in NY city.
I want to be completely honest with you. I am not looking to hand this out to anyone else. I know for me it feels life and death when I don't have it. I do not feel I will need another booster anytime in the next month.
The strange thing is that after my first session, I went a solid 2 years with so much resolve and lack of any cravings. There has been a definite shift away from that. I, being analytical as I am, have determined that these cravings are actually more behavioral. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. I also have homeopathic remedies for serotonin and l-dopa that I do from time to time when I need them. It just seems like more of a struggle now than it was years ago. I am wondering if you see this in others or yourself.
I think it is extremely commendable what you are doing trying to gather research and have comparisons. I know I like case studies and hearing of others experiences to compare and learn about myself and consider the possibilities. For me iboga is not so much about how many people had a space ship experience or floated above the earth, it's about all the introspection and being able to shed all the ingrained, inherited bullshit that hides ones true self. By the way, no matter how much hcl I took in my sessions I never had those all inclusive deep experiences. It could be me, not being able to let go. My need to be in control all the time. Could have been the fear.
One more question, does iboga deplete the brain of serotonin and l-dopa neurotransmitters. This is something I am feeling with this last booster. I am noticing the drive and inspiration I had the week before is not as it was. And from that perspective something to consider about spacing them out and not doing them too often. That is one of the things my doctor brought up to me when I first met him years ago.
I also wrote this up from memory and from some of the emails I share with Matt Z. Again I need to write after each time as you suggested in a journal. I always feel I will remember and get around to it and I don't. Maybe next booster I will ask about procrastination and where that comes from for me.
Hope this is not too lengthy. Again if your wife wants to contact me I am sure I can offer something that will help. My theory is that until you deal with the basic nutritional needs of the body and brain, you can't heal properly. That includes how the body is going to utilize all the supplements and herbs one takes. By the way, all the Chinese herbs are not across the board for everyone. Sometimes they can do more harm than good.
With much respect,
Martee
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