survivors
Background
Looking back I realized that I was being prepared for the Ibogaine experience a few months prior to the actually time. I had images of tribal people and felt they had wisdom about the inner world that the western world lost. With their presence in my life I bought music with the ridgeadoo instrument and added that to my therapy and things started to intensify.
In August I thought I am nearing the end of the abuse. I have integrated my father in June; in July I realized the truth about my mother and the sexual part of the abuse did not affect me anymore. I felt positive and excited and knew good things were on its way.
Instead things got worse. A repetitive thought that said when it can’t get worse it does get worse kept going through my mind. At first I laughed it off and thought, well the worse that can happen was death and I am not scared of death. And anyway I have been through the worse, so what else could there be.
My life started to get out of control when I was overwhelmed by fear. It was a cycle of chills that went through my body, perspiring and then fearful thoughts. This cycle was intense and repeated itself for 3 days. The thought when it can’t get worse it does get worse intensified. And then another realization, I cannot die. Over and over in my head it went: “When things can’t get worse it does get worse and I cannot die.” This brought a lot of anxiety.
All of a sudden I realized that I am in love for the first time in my life. I fell in love with a man that I could not understand why, because in my mind he was the last man I would go for. When I am with him I fell apart inside. This triggered my sexuality, which was like an explosion. I experienced feelings in my body and erotic fantasies I never had before. It was obsessive every moment of the day and I was convinced I lost my mind.
As if things can’t get any worse I made a very disturbing discovery. I suspected someone of being a pedophile. It became a big frustration in my life because it was a worry that kept nagging me. For the first time in my life I was not able to solve a problem by myself but had to be reliant on other people for help which provided many stumbling blocks. This triggered incredible rage and the rage I felt was towards God and I seriously questioned his identity.
From all directions there were pressure in my life; it felt like I was on fire, perspiring continuously. The heat was unbearable and it felt like I was running flat out wanting to rip of my clothes to cool down.
I read about Ibogaine by mere chance and it jumped out at me. I instinctively knew I must do this and that is how you met me for the first time.
Expectation
From what I read and what you told me about Ibogaine I expected it to be a mental process. I started to prepare and console myself that I will not feel any pain but will only see my childhood experiences and be able integrate this. It will be ok, I thought.
My Blindspot
The first image I got was a glimpse of the man I love, a house and me. It was like we were married. The next was an image of a big wave and within this wave, a big, black, wiry insect that looked like a robot. It was as if this wave was about to break, and destroy everything and if something survived, the insect would trampled it to death.
It changed and showed me my present situation – you, Sophie and Anette. Both incidents replayed the way I experienced it that morning. I could not understand why I had to go through that again and was irritated because I thought it was a waste of time. However it confirmed a creepy feeling I had when I told Anette I wouldn’t be able to make our next appointment because I discovered another therapy. It showed me how she was stabbing me in the eye with a needle, when in reality she was being affectionate towards me.
My whole life flashed passed me with all these experiences I had with people. I was overwhelmed by the hurt and loneliness I felt in these situations. I realized how difficult my life was. I was never allowed to speak my truth. My truth was a secret and that secret was that I was an orphan because I was abused horrible by my parents and family. My grandmother taught me self-control so that my behavior won’t reveal the secret. I would continue this by always finding fault with myself and therefore not feel the hurt of injustices done to me. I blamed myself believing I had a negative effect on people making them do and say horrible things. I always tried to change myself to be acceptable. This image was a warning of the karma I was going to pay back to myself for not feeling my hurt all these years. A month after the Ibogaine experience my heart got broken and I went through a very difficult time.
The choices
Then it stopped. It felt like there was a cloud over my head and I hear a man’s voice asking me, are you sure you want to know? I see a room with rows and rows of shelves and in these shelves was brown cards and these cards represented my experiences with my parents. I said: “Yes, I need to know everything. It is the only way I will heal.” Again the voice asked, are you sure? The tone in the voice alarmed me of danger and I started to doubt myself. From all the years of therapy I learnt that my parents were very cruel and after I integrated these memories I always felt disgust and disappointment in them. If these cards represented new memories I knew there was a 50/50 chance that I could go insane. I only hear this buzzing noise, waiting for my decision. I can’t make up my mind because both choices would be futile.
I felt very disappointed in Ibogaine because I did not expect to be confronted with such difficult choices and it was my last hope of ending the hell I am in. It felt like nothing is going to change and only get worse. I was in absolute despair.
Confronting my reality
Gabieba gave me Valerian drops and then the cloud broke. The voice came again reassuring me that he will never be cruel to me and pointed out that I always expect cruelty. His voice was warm, gentle and kind and I felt safe.
He showed me the future and all the virtues waiting for me as rewards for the hard work I did the past 39 months. He complimented me and said I was courageous. I stood up for my truth, fought back and claimed my space. He praised me because it was very difficult as I received a lot of opposition, but the truth in me grew and became a force that could not be controlled.
He presented me with the following image to demonstrate the world I lived in and had to transgress. I am running as fast as I can, and from all directions skeletons were running after me. The background is grey and gloomy.
Because I had no self-acceptance and self-love I strived to be normal, doing things that normal people do. I had all these duties that burdened me. I became discontented when I realized how empty my world felt and the routine became suffocating. That was when I decided to seek my truth and this process started 36 months ago. It was a very difficult time in my life because it was confrontation upon confrontation in both my inner and outer world. I became very sick and was in and out of breakdowns. But as the truth in me grew I became stronger and started to stand up for myself. This is still an ongoing process and most probably will be for a long time.
Gabieba
Then Gabieba appeared before me. I saw her warm eyes and smile and knew she had a heart of gold. I felt we connected and I enjoyed the experience I had with her earlier. I became eager to see her and impatient because her next shift was only due in 2 hours.
I became aware of a deep longing in me of wanting to connect with people truthfully and felt how rewarding it would be for me.
Mother
Next was my mother and time was spent showing me what she really was all about. Scenes of the abuse that I was familiar with flashed passed me focusing on the expression of enjoyment on her face when she watched my father raping and sodomizing me. She was not only an accomplice but an instigator most of the time. She controlled my father and everyone to hate me. I also saw how cruel she was to other people like my father, brothers, sister, etc. She lived in hate and only knows hate. She is an evil person who made that choice, and there were no excuses for her.
The next moment I saw all these arrows flying through a dark empty space right into her body. I saw this a few times and knew the universe was telling me that they would take care of her.
My imbalance
I then saw myself and the voice instructed me to bow at myself for living an honorable life. He said that my heart is kind and real and that I am a wealthy person on the inside. However I do have an imbalance and the following image was given to me.
I am standing underneath a fruit tree, picking the fruit at the bottom of the tree. I am picking these because they are closest to me. What I don’t realize, is that these fruits are not ripe and as nice as the one’s higher up. They don’t get the sun as the fruit higher up the tree. I pick these because I believe I cannot reach higher.
Then it showed me the latest Golf model in black. The car that I always wanted to drive was a black Cobra. But as time went by I let go of this dream because I believed it was out of my reach. It showed me that the Cobra represents the fruit higher up and they usually ripen before the bottom ones. If they don’t get picked they fall to the ground and then rot. This is what happened to my Cobra dream.
The voice said to me that all I needed to do was to reach higher. It demonstrated this over and over. I saw myself standing below the fruit tree reaching for the fruit higher up. It felt very easy to do that. The voice said, “Keep on reaching and take it that is all you need to do”. At the end I saw myself, my arms stretched out reaching for the sky. He said: “Keep reaching, stretch and take it that is all you need to do.” It is so simple and I felt in the end how simple it was.
My Father
The following old memory kept repeating itself to emphasize the fact that I grew up with no rights. My father is raping me and the blood is running down my legs. I feel I can’t anymore I had enough, but I can’t tell him to stop because he will only stop when he is done.
The following I actually experienced. I am a baby crawling on the floor. The next moment there is a foot standing on my left hand. I tried to look up to see who it is, but I can’t because the foot is keeping me down. I recognize the shoe belonging to my father because it is the type of shoes he always used to wear. I realized in that moment that he is a dangerous man and I that must be careful of him because he can kill me if he wanted to.
I had treatments done on my left arm and hand because it was badly damaged. I knew it was related to the abuse but never knew how.
New mother memory
I am about 18 months old. We had a Bull Mastiff called Oubaas who was my mother’s dog. He is eating a bone and my mother orders me to bring the bone to her. I go towards him to take the bone. He growls at me and I instinctively know that he will bite me. I ran back to my mother who is angry and shouts at me to take the bone. I try again and the same thing happens. I go back to her crying because I am scared. She has the duster in her hand and is threatening me. I go back to take the bone thinking she does not believe me and if I take the bone she will see that I am telling the truth. I take the bone and everything goes black.
My brothers and sister
My father and I are in the car in our driveway. My brothers are playing on the lawn not far away. I know they are aware of what is happening but is shutting it out because they are scared. My father is lying in the seat while I have to do all the work. I can feel how pleased he is with himself. He feels like a king and I am his slave whose duty is to give him all the pleasure he demands. I feel how he wallows in the enjoyment of this power. The next moment the car door opens and he throws me out by the hair because I did something wrong. In front of my brothers he zips up his pants and as he does that he puts his other hand in front as to say “this is secret, don’t tell anyone”.
This memory resolved my brothers who I used to make excuses for. I realized that they are still blaming me for what my father did and the person he was.
Next were more realizations of what happened to my sister when I left for
My mother and father
I see my mother and father standing together and I experienced them as very tragic human beings.
The final image
I saw the man I was in love with standing and in his hands holding a severely damaged bird and he is saying to the bird: “You poor thing you are hurt.”
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