Ibogaine Report
The first time I found out about ibogaine was during initiations of ayahuasca, san pedro, salvia and marijuana. I took part in these initiations for spiritual enrichment as I had been suffering from an eating disorder for many years and could not get to the bottom of the problem and I knew if I did not get to the bottom of it it will be very hard to stop the destructive patterns which did not only manifest in this way but in many other ways. With my first experience of the medicine plants I knew that the knowledge and information contained within these plants can definitely help me.
My experience of addiction was a tough one as I am sure most people’s are. It closed my heart chakra and through the continuous stress, anxiety, hopelessness, fear and self torture a part of me died. I could not feel anymore, my heart had closed. I was very far gone. When I look back now I see that I have come a far way from the hell that I was in for many years. I know that if I was not guided to the medicine plants that was created by our Creator, I would not have the insights and understanding that I have now because part of the cause was lack of information and understanding which I could not find and did not have access to.
For me the medicine plants are not an escape or magic pill but a very special and sacred tool given to us. In my search for a “cure” for my illness I tried many different things, psychologists, anti-depressants, the 12-step program, meditation, yoga, hypnosis and many other healing therapies. Yes these did help me to a certain extent but because I was so deep into this vicious cycle it was not strong enough to lift me out of that space for long enough and it gave me certain insights but never deep enough to stand against my addiction and confused mental state.
I have found that my problems started from the day one when I entered Earth. I was born into a society that had lost very important teachings and knowledge about Life and about our purpose here and in my family many of the right principles that was set out by our Creator was not respected or even understood properly and thus the wisdom and teachings lost. My life without the right teachings and principles created uncertainty and fear on a sub-conscious level and this only became clear when the problems started taking form. Then came all the traumas…my parents got divorced and so the emotional wounds multiplied and never got resolved because the way in which the world I lived in dealt with emotional and spiritual issues was so far from reality. I lived in a crazy world…it was a complete delusions and confusion and my mind was being programmed with something that was not the Truth and would lead me to a very dark place…hell.
When I look back at my life I still see myself blessed in many ways because I was brought up on a farm and my Mother and Father still had many understandings of the truth which they lived by and taught me. For this I am forever grateful as it kept hope alive in me to keep searching and never to give up until I find my way back.
Unfortunately because it was only part of the truth mixed with unrighteousness and lies it sent me straight into confusion. This is why it is so important that the right teachings are established on this Earth. My heart goes out to other children and people who have even less than I had…I can only imagine where they must be.
This is where the plants came in, it contains teachings and information and contains the Truth about Life…even marijuana which I worked with intensely for 1.5 years taught me so much. Marijuana I find is a very tough plant to work with as it shows you yourself clearly, with all your faults. For me it was a tough experience as I have not used ibogaine and was extremely hard and judgmental towards myself and others. Now that I have been initiated into ibogaine my heart chakra has opened again and I have more compassion towards myself and others. This is very important.
I think that it is impossible to face your shadow and heal your past if you do not have compassion and love reinstated into your life.
One of the teachings which I received through the ibogaine was that there is a certain Order in the Universe, which is Love and it must be respected and understood. We are suppose to be shown and taught this from our Parents but if they do not understand it or live by it then we as children will not understand it…let alone know how to live by it. I have found that without the understanding of the Order of the Universe I did not know how to deal with my own emotions in a healthy way and I did not feel safe in the world. This caused me to hold on to emotions which caused extreme anxiety and ultimately influenced my relationship with others. I felt cut off from the world around me and this again caused great sadness in me. The most important part of being human is to have a relationship with the world around us and to feel connected and as One.
So there was a void in me because my heart was blocked and at a very young age I started to try and fill it with other actions and things which made me feel better…unfortunately these things that I used was destructive habits and turned into full blown addictions. The actions and things I used were not good and it made me feel guilty and I was too full of pride and shame to speak about it. It is such a vicious and destructive cycle because the false programming was being reinforced in my brain, i.e. I am a bad person, the world is unsafe, I am not good enough, nobody likes or loves me, I can’t trust anyone etc. Of course this was not true but I started to believe it and accepted it. I nearly killed myself believing these lies.
When I took ibogaine for the first time in small dosages I cried a lot, my anxiety levels lowered and it helped me to stand up for myself in an abusive relationship which I was not able to do for 1.5 years. It also showed me that the Spirit of the Most High and of the Universe from which I was feeling cut off was in me too and that I was not separate from it. This was a big experience for me as I felt it very clearly. So I developed more love and compassion towards myself and I understood for the first time what my friends were telling me about the fact that I had to get out of this relationship. I was holding on to this relationship with all my might because I connected it with the love of my Father. When I took the ibogaine it showed me this clearly and enabled me to feel the sadness and hurt that I suppressed for so long. This is when I accepted that I must let go and I did even after believing for a long time I would never be able to! I knew then that this was a very special plant.
My next session was a much larger dose of the root bark and the first teaching was where I saw myself at a young age and I saw my Mother and Father and I was shown how important they are to me and that they loved me no matter what they did. I thought that my Father did not love me because of all the hurtful things he did to our family. Now I know my Parents do love me and that their Love can never fade. I started to feel safe again and started to open up and trust people again. It was an amazing journey and worked a lot on fear and anxiety that was based on false belief systems. It basically showed me the Truth in a very real and fantastic way so that when I came out of the journey I knew the Truth and could start fighting the false beliefs and thoughts.
My destructive habit patterns decreased significantly and my relationships started healing. I felt a deep connection with the world around me that I had not felt in years. It was amazing…as if I stepped out of hell for the first time. Now I was given the Truth as a tool to use but I wanted things to be and stay right and perfect and started to stress again thinking it did not work. I opened up to my family for the first time about what was going on in my life and this in itself was extraordinary as I was very much full of pride and shame and could never do this. So it did work! I just could not see it.
My next session was where I took the hydrochloride extract which was a higher dose but much lighter on my body. I thought that the same issues would come up because I still had problems. I was very surprised that the issues from the previous journey did not come up and I saw and understood that it was dealt with and I can let go. This in itself was a big revelation. This session was more focused on the fact that I had a choice of how I want to conduct my life and that I am not powerless as I thought I was. It taught me that I had to put in effort to heal and I had to fight for my Life, but now that I knew the Truth about many things and had gained deep understandings and insights on Life and I could make different choices, but I have to treat myself with love and respect otherwise I will make it very difficult.
After this experience I found that the deeper and more profound insights came once I returned to my life. Now it is as if my whole life has become a teaching and journey and I do not feel the same person. My brain has been reprogrammed and it is as if darkness has been removed from me. Ibogaine was not a once off experience for me, it is part of my life now and even though all my problems are not gone I have accepted where I am at now, without being afraid of it and I can recognize the false patterns in my mind and challenge it. So it is in my hands and power to change my Life. I also understand that it will take time and patience and determination and faith in the Almighty’s guidance to heal completely. The thing is now I know how and what to do and I can do it with joy and hope.
I have also learned to have respect for other cultures and realized that the our Creator has made the indigenous people the keepers of the wisdom plants so it is important that we are humble and learn from each other.
Sarita
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